Joanie, fifty two, had been dating Ken, 56, for some months when they went away along for a weekend. Till that time, Joanie had chosen not to own sex with Ken. Whereas she knew that she and Ken weren't in love with each other, she felt that they really enjoyed each different's company. That they had a ton in common, and Ken was the most attention-grabbing man that Joanie had met in an exceedingly long time. She determined to sleep with him as a result of she felt that that they had a sensible likelihood of developing the relationship.
But, once that weekend away, Ken informed her that he needed some house from the relationship. Joanie was shocked and dismayed. Whereas she knew that the sex had not been passionate, she thought there was enough in the connection to stay seeing each other. She might not understand why Ken had so abruptly pulled away. When she questioned Ken concerning it, he just said that he knew she was not the correct one for him.
Joanie contacted me for a session to strive to understand what had happened.
"Have you seen this happen before?" she asked me.
"Oh yes, several many times," I answered.
"Why did it happen? We tend to were doing thus well together."
"Joanie, the matter has sex before having developed a deep level of caring between you."
"Why is this such a downside?"
"If sex is extremely nice at the beginning of a relationship, then it is compelling enough for folks to hang in and perhaps develop deep caring. But if the sex is mediocre, there's not enough juice to sustain the relationship without the deep level of caring. If you have been along long enough for love, caring and emotional intimacy to have developed, then the relationship can progress toward smart sex even if the sex isn't so nice at the beginning. And, there's a MUCH higher probability for great sex when it is an expression of affection than when it is additional casual. "
"But I was willing to stay developing the relationship even though the sex wasn't great. Why wasn't he?"
"You and Ken are different. Clearly, for him, the sex is terribly important. If he had been deeply connected with you, he may have hung in there. But for him, mediocre sex combined with not having that deep emotional association means that to him that you are not the right lady for him. This is often not an uncommon scenario, that is why I counsel the people I work with to not have sex till you are bound of the love, caring, and commitment to the relationship."
"Oh, I want I had known that. Are you saying that if we tend to had not had sex for a a lot of longer time, that the caring would possibly have been deep enough to sustain us through challenging sex?"
"Either that will have happened, or the deep caring and affiliation would never have developed and you would not have place yourself within the position of having sex only to lose the relationship."
"Yes, I wouldn't be feeling nearly as badly if I had not had sex. Once I have sex I purchase extremely hooked up to a man. I can see that I would like to be so much a lot of careful concerning putting myself in that position. I believed I used to be doing great waiting a few months, however I can see it is not therefore much a matter of your time however a matter of the depth of caring and connection. I knew that we have a tendency to didn't have that level of caring however I thought that enough time has elapsed that it had been okay to own sex. Currently I see that the caring is that the issue. I'm not going to try to to that once more!"
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