Another year is slipping away from us with the speed of a train leaving the station and building up steam. As each day falls behind us, so do the weeks and irrevocably the months. Time is ever on the march, and it tends to catch us completely off guard when we reach the end of the year…and, suddenly, the Holidays are upon us and we hear someone say the words: “Tis the season!”
Tis the season? Never has a term that was intended to inspire joy and holiday cheer had such a reverse affect! Just the idea of shopping and spending too much money while I’m drunk on eggnog gives me a phantom hangover of regret. It doesn’t matter that I do it every year. I’m not about to start learning from my mistakes now. I’ve made it through this alive and without any major scars so far, so why try to be smart now?
Well, I have learned some lessons through the years. I’ve learned that I should only put half as much rum in the eggnog, eat only half the food I feel like eating, spend half the money I think I should, and start my shopping twice as early as I usually do. Thanks to anti-anxiety pills, alcoholics anonymous, and the Internet; I can make all of these goals happen.
A really helpful trick that I’ve learned when it comes to Christmas shopping, is that every single female in my extended family loves Christmas t-shirts. Shirts with Santa Clause, reindeer, snowmen, cats, dogs, chocolate, or trees…it doesn’t matter at all. As long as the shirts seem to be Christmas-themed, my female relatives will squeal and giggle happily. Christmas t-shirts are like crack cocaine to women from the ages 30 to 145. It’s some sort of hormone their bodies only start developing when they start having babies, stop being “girls”, and turn into “women”. It’s an almost frightening transformation, to be honest. It’s like menopause, but with Christmas wrapping and a bow on it.
If that’s what the ladies like, then that’s what the ladies get. All I have to do is to slowly and steadily acquire Christmas t-shirts from online vendors. I start this project sometime around the end of August. It lets me get all of the shopping I need to do for over half my family finished before Thanksgiving ever arrives. I have more money to spend on the big-ticket items that I have to buy for my closer family because I’ve stretched the buying process out for months instead of just weeks. It really does certify me as a genius, if I can speak honestly here.
If more shopping-phobic young men like myself follow this advice, then there will be a sharp drop in mother-in-law homicides during the Christmas season. Whether that’s a good thing or not, I’ll let you be the judge. It does mean you won’t have to spend Christmas in jail. No need to thank me, friends. I’m here to do good works for my fellow man…and to drink eggnog.
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